RANCHO NATURALISTA
TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 15, 2005. AFTER DINNER SPEECH
by Bob Lutman

SOME OF YOU KNOW ABOUT OUR TRAVELS -- TRYING TO SEE AS MANY OF THE WORLD'S 10,000 BIRDS AS POSSIBLE. BUT THERE ARE SOME PLACES I'VE BEEN YOU DON'T KNOW ABOUT -- AND EVEN MY WIFE SHARON DOESN'T KNOW ABOUT. SO GET READY, SHARON.

IN ISRAEL, AT AN AFTERNOON TEA OF JEWISH MOTHERS, WHO BELIEVE THAT CHICKEN SOUP CAN BRING EVEN THE DEAD SEA BACK TO LIFE. I WAS THERE.

IN BOMBAY INDIA, IN FRONT OF A WENDY'S HAMBURGER STAND, WHERE RELIGIOUS FANATICS CHANTED, "WHERE'S THE BELIEF?" I WAS THERE.

IN JERUSALEM AT A WAILING WALL RALLY TO SAVE THE WAILS, I WAS THERE.

IN TOKYO AT A REUNION OF JAPANESE KAMAKAZI PILOTS, I WAS THERE.

AND IN MIAMI AT A CUBAN YANKEE GO HOME RALLY, I WAS THERE.

I WANT TO TELL ALL OF YOU THAT SHARON AND I FEEL IN RARE COMPANY BEING HERE WITH YOU.

AND SPEAKING OF RARE COMPANY-- DO YOU KNOW THAT SOME OF THE MOST FAMOUS PEOPLE IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLDÉ NEVER VISITED RANCHO NATURALISTA?

YOU CAN LOOK IT UP

GEORGE WASHINGTON'S DENTIST WHO SAID TO GEORGE, "THE TEETH LOOK GOOD, KNOCK ON WOOD", NEVER CAME TO RANCHO NATURALISTA.

QUASIMOTO WHO SAID TO HIS MOTHER "GET OFF MY BACK" NEVER VISITED RANCHO.

GENERAL CUSTER, THE FIRST MAN TO WEAR AN ARROW SHIRT, NEVER SAW AN IMMACULATE ANTBIRD.

AND KING SOLOMON WHO SAID TO HIS THOUSAND WIVES, "WHO HASN'T GOT A HEADACHE?" NEVER CAME TO RANCHO NATURALISTA.

YES, SOME OF THE BIGGIES OF THE WORLD, NEVER CAME TO RANCHO, OR SAW ROLFE CHASE A SUNBITTERN DOWN THE TUIS RIVER.

MOSES WHO SAID TO THE CHILDREN OF ISRAEL AT THE RED SEA, "WEAR THE GALOSHES, I NEVER DID THIS TRICK BEFORE." NEVER ALMOST SAW THE BLACK-CRESTED COQUETTE.

STEVEN SPIELBERG'S MOTHER, WHO SAID TO ET, WHO WANTED TO PHONE HOME, I DON'T CARE HOW GOOD A FRIEND YOU ARE TO STEVIE, YOU HAVE TO CALL COLLECT," NEVER CAME TO RANCHO NATURALISTA

LOT, WHO SAID WHEN HIS WIFE WAS TURNED INTO A PILLAR OF SALT, "SALT I GOT, POPCORN I NEED," NEVER CAME TO RANCHO.

AND ADAM WHO SAID "I GOT MORE RIBS, YOU GOT MORE WOMEN?" NEVER SAW THE WHISTLING WREN SPEND HIS NIGHTLY FIVE MILLISECONDS ON THE TRAIL BEFORE POPPING INTO HIS HOLE. OR HEAR JASON SAY, "LAST NIGHT HE WAS ON THE TRAIL ABOUT FIVE SECONDS."

WE ALL HAVE COME TO APPRECIATE JASON'S DRY WIT. A FRIEND TO FAMOUS MUSICIANS, JASON ONCE TOOK RAY CHARLES TO A MARCELL MARCEAU CONCERT. THAT WASN'T ENOUGH SO HE WENT OVER TO STEVIE WONDER'S HOUSE AND REARRANGED ALL HIS FURNITURE.

BUT YOU SAY, "BOB, COME ON, TELL US SOME MORE FAMOUS PEOPLE WHO NEVER CAME TO RANCHO NATURALISTA."

NOAH'S WIFE WHO SAID TO NOAH "DON'T LET THE ELEPHANTS SEE WHAT THE RABBITS ARE DOING," NEVER GOT TO DO THE SLIP AND SLIDE, ON THE TRAILS AT RANCHO NATURALISTA.

AMELIA AIRHEART, WHO SAID "STOP LOOKING FOR ME, SEE IF YOU CAN FIND MY LUGGAGE," NEVER CAME TO RANCHO.

THE INVISIBLE MAN'S WIFE WHO SAID TO INVISIBLE, "I DON'T CARE HOW IT LOOKS TO THE NEIGHBORS. DON'T STOP," NEVER MADE IT TO RANCHO.

AND JACK THE RIPPER'S MOTHER, WHO SAID "JACK, HOW COME I NEVER SEE YOU WITH THE SAME GIRL TWICE", NEVER CAME TO RANCHO.

BUT, AND I KNOW YOU'RE NOT GOING TO BELIEVE THIS, I KNOW STILL MORE FAMOUS PEOPLE WHO NEVER CAME TO RANCHO NATURALISTA:

BILL CLINTON, WHO SAID TO THE POPE, "NEXT TIME, BRING THE MISSUS," NEVER CAME TO RANCHO NATURALISTA

DAN QUAYLE, WHO SAID, "IT'S WONDERFUL TO BE HERE IN THE GREAT STATE OF CHICAGO," AND WHO ALSO SAID, "I LOVE CALIFORNIA. I PRACTICALLY GREW UP IN PHOENIX," Ð DAN QUAYLE NEVER HEARD THE CALL OF THE THICKET ANTPITTA.

KING HENRY THE EIGHTH WHO SAID TO HIS LAWYER, "FORGET THE ALIMONY I GOT A BETTER IDEA,",NEVER CAME TO RANCHO NATURALISTA

AND NOSTRADAMUS, WHO PREDICTED HE WOULD NEVER VISIT RANCHO NATURALISTA, NEVER VISITED RANCHO NATURALISTA.

MY OWN FATHER, CLAUD LUTMAN, WHO SAID, "VOTE NO ON EVERYTHING," NEVER HEARD THE BEAUTIFUL SWEET MUSIC OF THE MONTEZUMA OROPENDULA, OR SAW THE GRACEFUL FLIGHT OF THE KEEL-BILLED TOUCAN. [THE OROPENDULA SOUNDS LIKE A BAD DOOR SQUEAK AND THE TOUCAN CAN BARELY KEEP IN THE AIR]

JOE THEISMAN, FORMER WASHINGTON REDSKINS QUARTERBACK, WHO SAID, "NOBODY IN THE GAME OF FOOTBALL SHOULD BE CALLED A GENIUS. A GENIUS IS SOMEBODY LIKE NORMAN EINSTEIN." - JOE THEISMAN NEVER GOT A WAKEUP CALL FROM A PAURAQUE AT RANCHO.

AND STEVEN WRIGHT, WHO SAID, "WHY IS THE ALPHABET IN THAT ORDER? IS IT BECAUSE OF THAT SONG?" NEVER CAME TO RANCHO NATURALISTA.

I'VE LEARNED THROUGH VARIOUS DUTCH SOURCES THAT ROLFE IS A GREAT HUMANITARIAN. HE IS CURRENTLY BUILDING A HALFWAY HOUSE FOR GIRLS WHO DON'T WANT TO GO ALL THE WAY.

IN AN INCREDIBLE PIECE OF LUCK, I KNOW STILL THREE MORE FAMOUS PEOPLE WHO NEVER CAME TO RANCHO NATURALISTA.

MAHATMA GHANDI'S MOTHER WHO SAID TO MAHATMA [INDIAN ACCENT], "EAT A COOKIE, WHO'S GOING TO KNOW?" NEVER CAME TO RANCHO.

ST. FRANCIS WHOSE OWN FATHER CALLED HIM A SISSY NEVER -- CAME TO RANCHO NATURALISTA

AND DOCTOR SPOCK WHO SAID "NEVER RAISE YOUR HANDS TO YOUR KIDS, IT LEAVES YOUR GROIN UNPROTECTED", NEVER GOT TO HEAR DICK WALTON SAY, "IS IT BLACK-THROATED OR BLACK-BREASTED?

I LEAVE YOU WITH THE WONDERFUL ADVICE OUR GUIDE ELVIN RODRIGEZ GAVE US AT MONTEVERDE RESERVE,

NEVER STAND UNDER A MONKEY. BUT IF YOU DO, KEEP YOUR MOUTH CLOSED.

Source: Adapted from a celebrity roast speech, by comedian Red Buttons.